A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I've been reading a book called "Rush Home Road" by Lori Lansens the past couple days, which is a well written novel about a woman's experiences and challenges in life. Since the holidays are upon us, I found myself becoming nostalgic about holidays past, remembering my family who have all passed now and my childhood. Despite the fact that I always felt so different from my family, and the area in which I grew up, I hadn't given a lot of thought to the similarities.  The past few days I had been experiencing a restlessness and emptiness that no amount of food could fill, no conversation with a friend could satisfy, and no distraction from the computer or TV could assuage. Yesterday, I was moved to dig out from the closet a little plastic container that holds many photographs and pictures of my family. They had been sitting there since my father passed in 2008, and I can't recall looking through them since then. They were all in a chaotic mess, old black and white photos from the days my maternal grandparents were young, my mother and father and other relatives and family friends, mixed in with the colored photos of myself and my brother as children, then much later ones of my daughter as a baby and her early childhood. I dumped them all out on the bed and made separate piles for each era, and in doing so separated the history of my family and life as I had come to know it.  My father had kept all of these pictures when the houses were sold, since he was the last of the adults surviving, to preserve a memory of our family to pass on to me and Sarah. I was surprised at how many pictures I had never seen before, especially the ones of my grandparents around the time when they first met and married. I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for myself, that they all had left me here alone to raise my child and have no family to turn to for support.  My ego flared then, when I thought that I was stronger than they were, since they always had some family to turn to when times got tough. I thought of how difficult my circumstances seemed right now, and didn't think they would be able to handle it as well. Then thoughts occurred to me that never had before, and I saw them in a much different light. To be honest, I do believe it was one of my Angel guides who helped me to see things differently. I remembered that my maternal grandmother took care of both of her parents who were sickly and died at very young ages, which left her to care for her sister, who was seven years younger and still in school as well as her younger brother. She was the oldest daughter, and her older brother was estranged from their family, so the responsibility fell on her shoulders. I also considered that my maternal grandfather was drafted, had to leave his pregnant wife who had her hands full to go off to war, not sure he would return. My mother grappled with the possibility of being a young widow with two small children, when my father had a massive heart attack at age 32. He was sick for a lot of their marriage, and it was very hard on her to make ends meet, even with my grandparents help. I started to understand and realize that they WERE strong given their own personal circumstances and did as best they could with the hands they were dealt. At that moment, as never before, I felt a definite kinship with them, and the ancestors that have come before me. I often get lost in the spiritual aspect of my journey, and forget about the human part. I forget that as humans we have a story, a history, and are part of something greater even here on earth. I felt their collective strength coursing through my veins, feeling more connected to them and more grounded than I ever have before. Amazingly, I felt sated. My heart and belly felt full and satisfied, no longer restless and empty. I anticipate not receiving any material gifts this Christmas, since it is just Sarah and myself now, but I believe I have been given a much greater gift of love, hope and comfort from my family who is still very much alive in Spirit. I am grateful to have been given this gift, at a time when I am drawing a close to the life I have known thus far, and preparing to embark on a new adventure that will take me across country to create a new home and life for me and my daughter. While they may never in life have supported or understood the need for this change, I know now in my heart without a doubt that I have their blessing.